Monday, January 23, 2012

No pic=no reply

If you're on an online dating site and you don't have a pic, fuck off. You're not a mature enough human to deserve dating anyone. Don't even THINK of trying that, "Well, looks shouldn't matter. What are you, shallow?" crap.

It would be cute if it weren't so disgusting how everyone who does this tries to play the, "Looks shouldn't matter," card. Of course, they only apply this to themselves. Apparently, THEIR looks don't matter, but the looks of every other inhabitant of the planet Earth do. Hence, I can easily ask them the same thing, "What are you shallow...AND a pussy?" because we all know goddamn well that everyone selectively messages other people based on their pictures. So, basically, these motherfuckers go on a dating site, sit back, and click away judging EVERYONE ELSE by their looks, but absolving themselves from judgment.

If you are one of these people, you deserve to be alone.

The same thing goes for people who post pictures, but you can't clearly see their faces in any of them. You should also be ashamed and alone.

Saddest of all is that I have to point out to these preteding-to-be-deep-yet-transparently-shallow muthefukkaz that they're doing this. They think it's just fine and dandy NOT to post a picture, but to go around judging everyone else. Really? I have to explain this shit?

And anyway, does this shit work? Do women just go, "'s ok if you don't have a picture and I have no idea what you look like because you wrote me a poem.....that you sent to every other skank you messaged that day."


It doesn't fucking work, especially not in online dating! Knock it off!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The size of their toys

I've pasted below, but you can also read it here if you prefer. The folks there are more interactive. :D

Grow six inches in six days! Natural Enhancement Special Offer: THREE MONTHS FREE! Size secrets the doctors don’t want you to know. Ron Jeremy’s surprisingly simple trick. Xmas is cumming, give her what she REALLY wants.

The thousands of spamvertisements that come in our email every day are a testament to folks' obsession with penis size, but is size what women really want? Certainly, there are women that are size queens, but they’re the minority. The real size queens are men (and no, I don’t mean homosexuals).

The obsession with size is a male perpetuated fear, created by men for men. Women don’t generally whip out tape measures the second you drop your pants. We don’t necessarily know our exact, ideal length and width. We have not calculated the perfect penile hypotenuse. It’s really not all about that.

The vast majority of women cannot orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. If you don’t believe it, Google it. You’ll find millions upon millions of articles on the matter, everything from, “Dear Abby, My husband is hung like a Clydesdale, but I can’t seem to orgasm – is there something wrong with me?” to clinical research that states the small percentage of women who orgasm through plain, old fashioned, penis in vagina sex. If you’ve always made a woman orgasm just by ramming her, she’s faking it (ladies, NEVER fake it, you’re just ruining it for anyone he meets in the future).

Your penis isn’t the only joy toy in the world. It’s not even the most popular one. Have you ever heard of a guy whose cock vibrates? A lot of women pay a lot of good money for items that substitute your penis. A penis doesn’t even have to be involved for amazing sex to occur. Just ask a lesbian. Think outside the box. Treat a woman like a violin, a small curvy instrument that if you place your face and both your hands upon properly, makes a beautiful sound. There are many ways you can stroke it to evoke these lovely notes. When was the last time you saw a guy play violin with his dick? Okay, there’s a lot of crazy stuff on the internet, but I bet it didn’t sound good.

If you are worried about your size, be it too big, too small, or average, there are ways to mentally prepare a woman for this. Do not bring up your penis size in the first conversation or first date or at all until you’ve gotten to know the woman a bit. Unless you’re confident sex will happen, don’t bring it up. First, if you do that and even if she never sees your penis, she’ll still tell all her friends about your small dick. More importantly, it will make you look like a socially retarded, self-conscious pervert that doesn’t know how to talk to a woman. If you’ve reached a point in your dating where you know sex will soon approach, take a confident, conscientious approach.

Never apologize for your penis. Your penis isn’t a job. It’s not like you have a crappy one because you’ve never worked hard. You inherited your penis. Damn DNA. In any case there is nothing you can do about it, but it’s not the only tool you’ve got. Presumably, you have hands, lips, and a tongue. If not, there are still a variety of toys out there that can help you out. Second, make sure the woman understands that it’s all about her. Don’t even think about your dick. It’s not about your dick. It’s about her pleasure. Not only will this open her up, but it will take a load off of you, because we all know what stress does to boners.

Tell her something like, “This is my size and it’s what I have to work with. If it’s not what you prefer, don’t worry, because I’m willing to do whatever it takes to please you.” Really emphasize the “whatever.” Also, you really do have to be willing to do anything she wants.

That’s the guy we want. That’s the guy who will set the standard for all our future lovers. That’s the guy we’re going to joyfully tell all our friends about. Don’t forget—women love to talk and if your skin tube account gets a lot of good comments, you’re going to get more hits. So, stop worrying so much about your size, learn a few new tricks, experiment with some toys. That’s how you can give her what she REALLY wants.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Naked in reverse

I really wonder how the world of dating would change if everyone saw each other naked without their faces showing, before they met. It would almost be the opposite of what we do now.

People always worry so much about their bodies, women in particular, that it prevents many of us from even considering dating. If we just showed what we looked like from the neck down upfront, I really wonder how things would change.

A lot of men only like what they like because they're told to. Well, a lot of PEOPLE, really, but especially in terms of body types. A lot of men are interested in a certain type of woman that they think their peers won't approve of, so instead, they go for what they think they're supposed to like.

If we all saw each other naked from the neck down first, this might also change. People aren't really identifiable by their naked bodies except by someone who's seen them naked, and even so, without the face, it might be hard to distinguish 100%. So, maybe men who were attracted to bbws but end up dating thin women because they don't want to take shit from their friends would actually go for bbws because their faces would be hidden.

Women go insane trying to get this idealized figure of some...asshole. I really don't know who came up with this unattainable standard of being 5'9'' and 100 lbs, but it's impossible for a good 99% of the population. But if we were all saw each other naked, then maybe we'd get used to the idea of body diversity and we'd all chill the fuck out. Also, we'd see all the bodies that don't fit the conventionally attractive mold accompanied by men who like them anyway.

Or, maybe it would make us all even more scrutinizing, shallow, and obsessive about our looks. In any case, there is definitely something that would change if the factor of facial anonymity were removed.

I suppose something like craigslist could measure dating, relationship, and sexual satisfaction when seeing someone naked from the neck down first. There are plenty of ads on that site that show nothing but somebody naked with pictures from every possible angle with no face showing. I personally know people who met that way and are now happily together, some even married.

It seems like we are supposed to place sexuality as the last priority in a relationship, something you only get to if all other criteria are met. What if we did that in reverse?


ANOTHER sexual double standard

The Bush Administration

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thanks, douche. No, seriously.

Douchey guys are no doubt an annoying sector of the population, but they do serve more of a distinct purpose than most people realize.

Thanks, douche. No, seriously.

Strings attached

What do you do when someone in a no strings attached relationship develops feelings? The answer is quite simple, really.

Strings Attached